It's All In Your Head

(pt 2) (Continued: Fiance issues anon) He’s being really cryptic and confusing, and although the night we got back together, he said a lot of really nice things alluding to him wanting to fix our relationship, he doesn’t seem really willing to talk about things or actually work on stuff. It seems like he just thinks the issues are going to disappear by themselves without us trying to fix them together. I really want this to work, but he’s so confusing and frustrating and I don’t know how to handle it

I’m happy for you that he came back, and it sounds like he does love you. I know that it’s hard but try not to see it as you’re ‘not good enough’ to be his fiancee anymore. That’s not the case, im sure. It sounds like he has some issues of his own that he’s dealing (or not dealing) with and that there’s some problems in your relationship as well. You say he has a counselor, so that’s a good step for him, but from what you say, it sounds as though he’s not really confronting his issues and not as willing to deal with your relationship issues as you wish he would be. Have you considered couples counseling? It may be helpful to have that space where you guys can work through things and having that third party involved can also really help. This would be something to consider. He may just not know how exactly to go about handeling things, and a counselor (someone inpartial, so not his personal counselor) can help you guys navigate this and see if it’s going to work between you.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. Sit down and say to him what you said to me. Being honest with him is going to be the best thing you can do.

my other advice would be to take care of yourself. Make sure you are setting boundaries where boundaries need to be set, and that you are making this relationship work for you…that it is a healthy realtionship for you. if you find it’s not working, than it is OK to step back from it, to walk away. You have the right to walk away if you need to. take care of yourself.

I hope this was helpful and that you and your boyfriend can work through this together. Best of luck to you both! let us know how it goes too!

-Lina

Hey there anon.  I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to respond.

I think it’s great that you realize that you can’t “fix” your girlfriend.  A lot of people enter relationships with people who have mental illness and think that they are going to be able to fix them and make everything better.  While it’s a noble thought, it’s just not possible.

First and foremost, I think it’s important for you to seek outside help if your girlfriend is threatening to harm herself.  I don’t think that it’s fair to you to have to feel responsible for her actions.

I think it’s going to be important to sit down with her and talk with her.  Let her know that you are concerned about her well-being and that you want to be there to support her.  Tell her that you, too, however, have things going on and it’s unrealistic and/or not fair for her to solely rely on you. Tell her that you care about her but you’re not a professional and can only do so much.

Next, set some boundaries with her.  If possible, have her participate in setting the boundaries so she doesn’t feel like you’re abandoning or pushing her away. This article provides some information on how to set boundaries.

I also want to reiterate that whatever happens and whatever she does if you cannot help her is not your fault.  At all. You do not need to do this alone, either. 

Also, feel free to check out our resources page.  You may find some helpful resources for both you and your girlfriend there.

Best of luck!

~Lil

Anon, I am so, so sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you.

I know how hard it can be when somebody you love and trust has decided to cut things off for another person.  Three and a half years is a long time to invest in somebody, and I think it’s totally normal for you to be lost and confused right now.

I wish I could offer advice on how to make things better and erase the pain, but you have every right to feel hurt.  I’m hoping that between the time you sent this and now you have been able to maybe have a discussion with him to either clear the air between you two, make up, or reach a point of understanding. If not, I’d suggest, if you feel up to it, finding a time to have a serious discussion with him.  I think it’s important to ultimately respect his decision—not that you have to agree with it, but don’t beg him to come back or try to change his mind.  Let him know that you value(d) what you have/had and that you were hurt by his actions. 

If trying to talk to him would be too painful for you, as hard as it may be, you may need to just let him go.  Give him space.  Maybe he’ll come back, maybe he won’t.  I know how hard it is because you shared so much together, but waiting for him to change is mind is only going to prolong your hurt.

Above all, don’t beat yourself up over this.  Breakups are never easy, so take time for yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Do things that make you happy, and remember it’s okay to cry sometimes.

Hope this helps.

~Lil

There are a lot of underlying mental blocks that can ruin intimate relationships, whether the relationship involves sex or not and this problem isn’t too uncommon.  Sex in particular is seen as a very intimate and powerful act; you’re opening yourself up emotionally and connecting in a very physical way that you don’t allow many (if any) other people to experience.

It’s very possible that, if you’ve been hurt frequently or severely in the past, you’ve formed a defense mechanism against getting hurt again.  I would say that fear of being vulnerable is enough of a reason to have fear and anxiety when it comes to intimate/close relationships and/or sex.

I think this is something that would be very beneficial to explore with a therapist or psychologist.  They’ll be able to help you figure out what’s going on and help you figure out how to work through your anxiety and fears regarding sex by working on the underlying issue(s). This isn’t going to be something that can be fixed very rapidly in one or two therapy sessions; chances are it will take some time before you’re at a place where you truly feel comfortable being open and vulnerable.  But I also want to note that the work you do in therapy will not only help you overcome this particular issue, but will most likely help improve the quality of your relationships with others overall.

This is a step by step on getting a therapist to help get you started in your search.  Good luck!

~Lil

The best thing you can do is to continue to offer your support.  Let her know that her attitude toward dating concerns you because you don’t want her to get hurt. Let her know that regardless of whether or not she’s in a relationship, she can find happiness and contentment.  If possible, consider spending time with her every week or every other week if you have the time—she may recognize through this that deep and meaningful relationships can be formed without being in a dating situation. 

If/when she starts to date somebody, it’s important to let your sister know that you’re concerned if you don’t think who she’s dating is good for her, but constantly nagging her about it is going to accomplish nothing. It may even push her to continue dating this individual out of defiance. 

Keeping the door to communication open is going to be the best thing you can do. 

It may also be helpful for your sister to see a therapist.  The obsession with being in a relationship may stem from some underlying and unresolved issues exacerbated by the OCD.

Hope this helps!

~Lil

I really want to start socializing with people in my hobby again, but since it’s such a small-scale hobby, I am afraid of running into them. It’s my fault that we had the falling out, since I was really unhealthy and had a lot of unhealthy behaviors which I feel horrible for, but seeing them is a huge trigger for me, which is fucked up of me considering I was the sick one. I’m too ashamed of myself to confront them as well. So I’m wondering…how can I socialize within my hobby again?

I’m glad that you’re getting your life back on track.  Mental illness, unfortunately, not only affects us but the people around us and it can be hard for somebody without mental illness to truly understand what we’re going through.

I also think it’s normal to be triggered and upset when you see people you used to be close with and things ended badly.  It sounds like you feel a lot of guilt over what happened and seeing them reminds you of what happened. 

The first thing to do is assess where you stand with this friend.  Is he/she openly hostile toward you?  Does he/she merely ignore you?  This is ultimately going to be one of the biggest roadblocks.  If this person is openly hostile toward you, it may make things more difficult, but it’s still not impossible.

How is the relationship between you and the other individuals in your hobby group?  If you’re on relatively stable ground with them, it can potentially help ease the tension when you get together as a large group.

If you’re able to, approach him/her at some point.  Ask them if they would mind having coffee and chatting for a little bit, or if they’d mind if you explained some things.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him/her, write a letter or short message.  Let him/her know that you’re sorry for the way things turned out and you’d like a chance to explain.  The important thing here is to not cross the line of explanation into making an excuse.  It’s important to own the responsibility and this may make your friend more receptive to what you have to say.

It’s important to remember that especially if hurtful things were said, it may take a long time for the wounds to heal.  Things may be awkward for a while, you may not be as close as you used to be, or things may not be fixable for a long time.  There’s no real way to know unless you try.

If you’re still seeing a therapist, this is a great topic of discussion to bring up during a session.  Your therapist, knowing the situation better, will be able to offer you additional advice if what I’ve suggested isn’t possible.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

~Lil

TW: Suicide

It’s horrible when somebody you love treats you like this, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this right now.  The thing I want to tell you right now, though, is that you matter, you are important, and if your boyfriend doesn’t care if you harm yourself or not, then he’s the one at fault right now, and it’s nothing you’ve done.

I know how difficult and scary it can be to invest time and emotions into somebody and I also know how much it hurts when they don’t return that love and affection.  I know things feel hopeless right now, but I can honestly promise you that there is always something to hold onto.  Your identity and purpose in life is not attached to any boyfriend even though it feels like the world is ending when fights happen.  I am willing to bet that you are a strong, wonderful, caring individual who any boy would be lucky to call his own.

This is something you’ll want to try to talk to him about. Communication is essential to making relationships last, and you need to let him know what’s going on.  Find a time when you’re both calm and able to sit down and focus.  Let him know that you feel neglected or that you feel he’s showing his love to you less.  Let him know that his response to you wanting to hurt yourself was hurtful to you.  Do your best to remain calm and listen to his side of the story.  He may be having some issues of his own that you don’t know about.  That doesn’t necessarily excuse his behavior, but it may help shed light on the situation.  Let him know what you need from him.  If he refuses to provide you with what you need or dismisses your point of view as trivial, he’s not truly giving his fair share in the relationship.

If you’re thinking about harming yourself, you may want to contact a hotline.  They’ll be able to respond quicker than we can.

Stay safe, anon <3

~Lil

Plus, I have some level of prejudice against guys due to having a self-centered, passive-aggressive father and being exposed to stories of Nice Guys and abusive boyfriends. I’m not even sure if I’m attracted to him or not: He’s first guy I’ve “liked”, but because of that I’m not sure if I’m deluding myself. He seems nice, but so were my friends, girlfriend, and dad at one point. I just can’t believe he could be anything different. My anxiety is through the roof. What do I do? :c

This is something you’ll want to discuss with him, probably sooner than later.  You don’t have to get very detailed, just let him know that it takes you time to trust/open up to people.  If you’re not sure how you feel about him (ie: is it real or not), take things slow.  The important thing here is communication. 

I know it’s hard to trust anybody or believe that there are good people out there when the people you trust break that trust.  But it’s also very difficult and lonely to never trust anybody.  There’s a chance he might not be “nice,” but there’s also a very good chance that he’s incredibly nice, compassionate, and caring.  Unfortunately, finding that out means you have to take a risk.  Again, start out slow, and most importantly, remember that you need to take care of you.

This might also be something to journal about.  Having thoughts in one place when you’re trying to figure something out has been helpful in my experience, and has helped me make a lot of decisions (particularly in relationships).

Hope this helps :)

~Lil

Hi, anon, sorry this response is so long in coming. D:

That does sound very stressful. Have you talked to your partner about this? If you haven’t, pick a time when you’re both rational, both feeling okay, and talk about this. (Avoid times when either of you is stressed out, on a deadline, or feeling hurt or angry about something, even if it isn’t related to the two of you.) Ask him if he wouldn’t mind coming with you to set up a counselling session, and explain your fears. 

Try to find a therapist who specializes in BPD. If you’re having trouble with that, message us off anon and I’ll help you find someone close by. 

The fact that you’re so conscious of how you treat your partner is admirable—I know a lot of mentally healthy people who do and say stupid, hurtful things in relationships because they’re not paying attention. Just relax, ask him to tell you when he’s hurt (even if it isn’t because of you), and let yourself make mistakes. You’re both human, it happens. You’ll be just fine. 

Best wishes,

-Macy