It's All In Your Head

(Apologies in advance for possible mistakes, I’m not that talented at English!)

Looking back at my life, I realize I’ve been suffering since I was about 11 years young (although the first trauma of loss happened at my birth) - I’m 19 now. It started with a slowly, but definitely developing eating disorder. About a year later I started self-harm, even though I had never heard of it. It took quite some years for me to end up with therapy, but about 5 years ago I started therapy.

During 5 longs years of different kinds of therapy (inpatient, outpatient, dietician, psychiatrist, PMT, …) I stumbled upon a whole lot of darkness - dark days, dark thoughts, dark feelings. Dark, darker, darkest. There were too many days, weeks, months where I honestly did not know what I was fighting for any more.

I’ve been diagnosed a lot, but the past year I’ve been following inpatient therapy at a unit for “young adults with personality disorders” - including depression, trauma and eating disorders. Right now, I have come to peace with myself and with the fact that I’ll always have low lows, just like everyone does. I have finally learnt how to deal with myself, my messed-up mind and other difficulties.

A year ago I would have never believed ANYONE who told me I’d be right here, at this point, at this moment. I would’ve burst out in tears or laughed like it was the best joke ever - I was incapable of believing in “recovery”. I could not believe that I would ever be able to feel better.

I don’t have to cry when I wake up in the morning. It’s been about a year since I did anything self-destructive. I’m dreaming about my future, dreaming like I never dared before. I guess I’m quite happy.

I’m realistic though - I’m on antidepressants. I’m emotionally unstable. It’s not like I had a great start at life, there are a lot of things, a lot of memories, a lot of feelings, a lot of situations that I’ll never forget, never get rid of. But I can live with it, I can live with myself. The best of all - I actually want to be alive again. And maybe, maybe this is the first time in my entire life that I feel this way.

I wish I could convince everyone that it’s possible, but I know I would not let anyone convince me. I was too scared. But let me tell you this: It is possible, for everybody. For me, you, all of us. Hold on.